Women like sex.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise to most, but I have seen a lot of people assume that women don’t. But we’re all human, and we’re all animals, and we all have urges, and therefore women*, just like men*, like to have sex.
I am saying this, because people tend to equate a woman’s worth to how many sexual partners she’s had. If she’s had few, then she’s a good girl. If she’s had a lot, then she’s a whore. Some will then correct that statement – she doesn’t ask for money, so she’s simply a slut. Ha, ha, ha. It doesn’t matter that that woman might be the best person on earth, that she might feed the hungry, build houses for the homeless, give to the poor. It doesn’t matter that that woman might be giving up her life to make the world a better place. Maybe she’s a loving sister, a loving daughter, a loving friend. Maybe she’s a faithful partner, a reliable colleague. She might genuinely be the best person you know. But apparently, if she has a lot of sex with a lot of people, then she’s a bad girl. The type of bad girl that you want to do, but not marry. The type of bad girl you brag about to your friends, but not your parents. She’s not wife material. She’s not worth you. She should have had fewer partners. She should have been more pure. She should have had more self-respect. She should have had more dignity. And it doesn’t matter that you might have had more sex partners than she. It doesn’t matter. Because it’s a woman’s job to be pure and dignified.
I like ice cream. I eat it in the winter, in the summer, when it rains, hails, or snows. I eat it when I’m crying, and when I’m laughing. I love ice cream. And some people don’t like it, and they don’t understand why I do, and that’s fine. Some people love it, but choose not to eat it because of personal reasons – lactose intolerance, health, staying fit, and that’s fine too. And some people love it as much as I do, and eat it as much as I do, and that’s fine too. But I have never met anyone, a person who eats twice as much ice cream as I do, who came up to me, and told me to stop eating it because “women shouldn’t eat ice cream”. Probably because that person would be aware of the hypocrisy of that situation (awareness that doesn’t extend to the whole ‘sex area’). I would never accept, I would never tolerate, anybody who would come up to me, a perfectly healthy person who eats a healthy amount of ice cream, and tell me that I have to stop doing something that makes me happy, and that isn’t harmful to anyone. And yes, I am talking about ice cream because I’m craving it right now, but this applies to any activity that pleasures me. Be it eating ice cream, or having sex.
Women like sex. And even if they do like sex, it doesn’t mean that it should be forced upon them. While they might enjoy it when they choose to have it, they most certainly won’t when somebody forces them to. You might enjoy eating cake, and still be disgusted of it when somebody forces you to have it. I think this scene (x) slightly traumatized me when I was a child, but it doesn’t equate to the horror you feel when somebody is touching you, when somebody is being intimate to you, when somebody is forcefully entering your intimate bubble while you’re vulnerable and helpless. So I’d really enjoy it, if people (and sadly, it is “people”, and not “men”, because women say these things too) could stop saying that women who get raped, but also happened to enjoy sex prior to the rape (which will now be a lot harder, thanks to the rapist), deserve it. It would be great if we could stop assuming that “she led him on” is an acceptable reason for a man to rape a woman. It would be great if men who’ve had four times as many partners would stop saying they wouldn’t marry a woman who’s had more than 5 (x). It would all be fucking delightful if men who raped women could be jailed too, regardless of their promising swimming careers (x). But, most importantly, it would be oh, so, incredibly, fucking, marvelous if women weren’t forced to marry their rapists because they’re too unpure to marry someone else (x). I’d be overjoyed if women didn’t feel the need to set themselves on fire because they have been raped (x). I would like it if women who’ve had sex could get a college education (x).
And it’s important to make a distinction between sex, and rape. While many people do, it’s clear from my examples that not all do. And that’s problematic too. But the ground for both problems – be it the shaming of rape victims, or the shaming of so called ‘sluts’-, can be found in what society teaches us about female sexuality, but mostly about female behavior. Men and women aren’t supposed to behave the same way. Men can be free, can be stupid, can make mistakes; after all ‘boys will be boys’. Women are supposed to be ‘mature’, to be ‘well behaved’, to be ‘lady like’, to go against those physical sexual urges, because that’s what good girls do. And, apparently, women are also supposed to somehow be able to prevent their own rape, if they don’t want to be shamed. And maybe, maybe, if we could stop equating a woman’s worth to her virginity, things would get a bit better. Maybe if we could see that having a lot of sexual partners doesn’t make you a bad girl, things would get a bit better. Maybe if we could recognize that not all virgins are good people, things would get a bit better. But maybe, just maybe, we simply need to stop holding women to a different standard than men.
This brings me to my last point: men* feel entitled to women. It’s a fact that has been discussed many times before me, and will be discussed many times after my article. The first time it really hit me, was when I was out with a couple of friends, and a guy started touching my friend’s hair. She kept going away from him, and he kept trying to get closer to her. The first couple of times, I separated them subtly, by taking her away from him while dancing. The last time, I was so annoyed, that I just took her arm and pulled her away from him. And he got angry. He wanted to hit me. How dare I take the woman away from him? How dare I not let him touch her hair, while she clearly doesn’t want him to? How dare I protect my friend from his unwanted advances? He wanted to touch her hair. He wanted to dance with her. He probably wanted to fuck her passionately in the bathroom too. How dare I stand between him and his wants, his needs? You will notice that, while that man tried to hit me, he didn’t care that the only reason I took her away was that she clearly didn’t want his attention. He might not even have realized that she didn’t want to be touched. He probably assumed she wanted the attention – because every woman should want the attention of men. All he saw was me, the bitch, cockblocking him.
Men rape women for many different reasons (x). And, in my opinion, men feeling entitled to women is one of them. Men thinking that we are there to please them, that we should feel grateful that they even want to talk to us, dance with us, touch us, is one of them. Women have been killed for rejecting men (x). Men have tutorials – tutorials, for fuck’s sakes! – on how to talk to women who do not want to be approached (x). Men get angry at girls who have sex with a lot of men, but refuse to have sex with them (x). Men rape women who have sex with a lot of men, but refuse to have sex with them. Because if she gives it to others, then why is she trying to be a good girl with him? He deserves sex, and she must want it. She must be pretending not to want it to appear “pure” and have a good reputation. If this sounds familiar, it’s because it’s literally the “plot” of the song Blurred Lines (or, as I call it: “The catchy rape song.”).
I could talk about this all night. I could talk about all the things society is teaching us, has taught us, things that I myself find hard to unlearn sometimes. I could talk about gender inequality for days. I could send you links like these (x), and explain why we need feminism so badly. I could talk about the friend zone, about intersectionality, about misogyny. I actually have a lot to say, still, about rape. (Did you know, per example, that the number of sex partners excuses you from raping a woman, but also how short/tight her clothes are, and how drunk she was prior and during the rape?) I could do all that, but I’m only 20, and I can write a thousand more articles later. So I’ll stop here, and ask you:
If all women become good girls and only have sex with one man, namely their husband, how will the unmarried men ever be able to prove that they’re cool and manly?
*Not all of them, of course.
PS: I felt like you needed to read this (x), because this guy definitely knows a lot about science.